Day 13 ish

And so that's not going to be happening again anytime soon!  That standing up in front of a whole, large, bunch of people and reading the contents of my soul. That brewing storm, that honest confession, that moment of vulnerability.  This baby is tired to the core, stretched to the limits, and ready for some rest, some hiding and some quiet. This baby is just gonna stick to writing for a while, and leave all that public speaking to some others.  

It's weird how you change as life goes on.  One moment something gives you life and the next minute it drains you right out!  Cause this girl used to love standing up there, pouring her soul out, speaking, reading and praying.  I used to get a high from it, a high that would leave me soaring for days.  And this is the first time I've managed to stand in front of more than a dozen people and share some thoughts since my little breakdown, and this time it drained me, and rather than soaring, I'll be hibernating to recovery.    

And it's weird to stand there and lead a prayer when it feels like a power outage of faith in my own soul.  Weird to invite people to advent, when I'm not really sure I believe in miracles anymore.  It's weird.  It's awkward.  And this baby doesn't want to fake it, but she doesn't want to lie it either. And I'm not so sure how to stand in the middle of those whirlpools.  How to navigate this tide shift. 

I'm not throwing it all out, I'm just not keeping it all either. I'm letting the sand of faith just settle in my soul, letting it find it's own resting place. And I'm just gonna keep opening my weary hands and my broken heart and just wait to see what happens. And maybe that in and of its self shows a little flicker of faith. I'm not really sure. And I'm not too concerned.  But I want peace in my soul, and rest for my heart. So if you think of it, just send up a little prayer for this one. Cause she could use all the prayers she can get!