Day 7 ish

So yeah, I kind of didn't make it here yesterday.  And by kinda, I mean I didn't.  To be honest I'm only sad for selfish reasons, because this writing helps make me whole. But I'm here tonight.  Here with a nice crisp glass of winter ale by my side.

And tonight I want to have a little chat about faith.  About faith and how I've been feeling and about somethings somebody told me.

So I don't know about you, but these days my faith feels like a drug laced with doubt.
Some moments it's all clear, all crisp, and there isn't a doubt in me. I was living there for a while. Sure, sure all the way down to my core about Christ, about God's goodness, about love.

But this week...

This week, that sure faith was laced with doubt. Doubt that didn't just terror my day, but robbed my dreams and stalked my nights.

And the truth is, I don't understand how one moment I can be so sure of something, and the next squeeze every last ounce of doubt out of it?

When did I become that girl?
Cause this girl used to know everything. She had plan, a response for every question, every situation.
And now this baby just shrugs her shoulders and with a tear stained face, answers: "I don't know" to almost every question under the sun.

But somehow, somehow in the midst of all this unknown I find a safety and a clarity. A paradox.
A faith mixed with doubt, a confidence that if God really did create this whole shi-bang, and if his love really is as extraordinary as he claims, than I don't really need to worry about upsetting him, or questioning him, because that love of his will go further than my wandering heart could ever walk. And his truth can sail longer than my unrelenting doubts.

And when I think of that, I feel okay. I feel okay on my wild, rocky sea of unknowing. I feel a little drift of peace. And my heart rests for a beat.

And I've been thinking this all week, and Mr. Gary Best stands up there this morning reminding us about trust, and finding just a little seed of trust and planting it.  I get thinking and looking for that little seed of mine, and I can barely find it. I can't even imagine planting it. This tired, weary, burned and broken heart is too tired to plant her seed. So I throw it to the wind, only to watch it find a resting place. And it plants itself. I'm stunned. Stunned at the paradox, stunned at the mercy. So I watch my little seed, planted in grace. I watch in wonder as it's swallowed by the earth.

So my friends,
If your life is filled with doubt, with disappointments and let downs that seem irreparable, just plant your  little doubts, scatter them to the winds, because Christ came as a baby, not a theologian with all the answers, or an officer bringing judgment. He came at the mercy of others. At the mercy of humans.

Let our doubting heart's sing out,

"Let heaven and earth receive her king".